Life is change--this time the change must be permanent. It will never go back to the way it was--I accepted that a while ago and adjusted my behavior accordingly to a healthy level of distance. But I now see that I was too soft with myself. I wish I could make my heart hard. I have often thought that life would be simpler, for me at least, if we were all Vulcan following the rules of logic rather than having to deal with irrational emotions. There's nothing about them at times that makes any sense and yet they are an undeniable part of the human makeup--what a mess!
It is clear that if I am ever to move past this recurring situation in my life i will have to make a complete, clear, decisive, and final break. Not in a negative way--but more as in the sense of needing to start over, having a blank slate as it were. My past is behind me--there will always be nice parts of it and negative parts of it--but in the end I have to take a step out of the past and one towards reaching for my future. The alternative is forever being stuck in sorrow. The other party already has taken a step to their future--it is high time I stopped the nonsense and did the same. New beginnings--we all need them. It will be problematic for those who don't understand my situation, whom i dont care to share the details of my personal life with. All that they will know is that I will be leaving and they wont want to let me go. But as long as I am in that place, the situation will always renew itself in one form or another. It is not healthy for me. I have put myself in second place for far too long in favor of serving the church and others. At times this happened due to circumstances, at other times due to a sense of duty, at others because I wanted to lose myself in the work. But that can no longer continue. The church will always ask for more, more, and more if you let it.
Much is made of the value of friends in popular psychology as well as within the church. But i have ever been a lone wolf inside. It occurs to me that friends are like ice-cream sprinkles. They make the ice-cream nice, and it's good when you have them, but in the end they are an accessory. If they are not there it does not destroy the ice-cream. Nice but not indispensable. As an example, if my best friend were to tell me tomorrow that he could no longer continue for x,y,z, reason it would make me feel sad, but then I would wake up the next day and find that the world had not come to an end--life would still go on. The same reasoning applies in this present situation. Life has taught me that we must all learn to depend ultimately in ourselves and on the good Lord. In the end He is the only true friend. Life must go on. I will miss the few good friends i have made here, but I know they will be safe in the Lord's hands. Within the next few months I must make the decisive move to jump ship elsewhere. And when I'm there, I'll finally put this in my past, meet other people and move on.
May the good Lord help and bless all of us.
