New Beginnings

New Beginnings always hurt, in some cases because they imply the birth pangs of something, but in other cases they hurt because they imply the death of something. I cant believe that I was dumb enough to believe that if I only gave it time, that if only I stuck around, if I treated her well and we shared fun experiences together that it would draw me closer to her heart. In the end I'll never measure up--I know that now and although it hurts a lot there is a certain peace that comes with acceptance. it's the story of my life--always good friend, but never a partner. I'm in a lot of pain right now, and I don't know how I'm going to go on without her being a part of my close circle. Just knowing that I'll never see her again makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel empty inside. But that is the way it must be if I am ever to remake my life. Six years of my life gone down the toilet--who can I go to to get a refund on wasted time? In a way it's good that I'm in pain--it serves me right for being an idiot---and in life morons deserve to be punished swiftly and severely many times over. I wish I could wrap it all up neatly in a bow and say "ok kiddies what did we learn from this?", but the truth is there is nothing to learn from this experience--only the acceptance of pain. Over the next few days I'll slowly exorcise the poison, the hurt, the sadness, the pain from my system--but I wont necessarily be smarter for having gone through it, and inside there will always be a huge empty spot where this friendship used to be. After all is said and done are any of us ever really the wiser for what we go through? It may make us feel better to say yes, but in the depths of our heart are we really? This area of my life is one in which I remain as clueless as when I was 16. Perhaps that in itself is a message that I should accept a destiny where i rely on myself and nobody else and give up on the idea of companionship. After all we are born alone and die alone--why not live alone?

Opening a New Chapter in my life? That's a laugh--what if the novel reads the same way the whole book through? I'm reminded of Nicholson in the movie version of The Shining writing entire pages made up of one sentence repeated over and over. I'm not turning the page, instead it feels more like I'm crawling on my hands and knees--but I don't know where to. If my life is a psalm then the Lord must have a pretty funny definition of what it means to praise. I better shut up now before I say anything foolish....